All the little characters
by G 9000
Summary: We all know the story from the hero's point of view, but what about the minor characters? What kind of wacky shenanigans did they get themselves into during the movie. Read this story to find out.
1. I was gonna pork a viking chick

**Well I decided to delete my previous stories and make a new one, mainly because my old ones sucked so I hope this one doesn't suck and above all I hope you guys like it (:**

* * *

><p>On a stormy night in a dark and mysterious forest a brave viking-like dude with a battle axe was fighting a giant fire-breathing dragon which was holding a hot half naked blond princess in its tail.<p>

The mighty dragon formed a fireball and hurled it towards the brown-haired man, but that certain viking was called a dumbass for a reason and he proved it by jumping towards the fireball axe first. Luckily for him but not for the dragon the axe was a magic axe and cut right through the fireball and later through the dragon's neck, but instead of blood out came condoms and candy.

The viking of course caught the fair maiden and landed safely.

"Oh handsome warrior" she said "thank you for saving me is there anyway I could do to repay you"

"Well I can think of some positions...things i meant things" the viking dude said while smiling perversely.

"But we cannot the only condoms here are giant-dragon sized" the blonde chick warned.

"Well they are going to be rather tight but I'm sure i can squeeze in" he said while unzipping his pants.

"Oh come on you're cool and all but I'm sure it can't be that..."at that moment the viking's pants dropped and angels started singing. "BIG" the princess exclaimed.

Then she jumped him and they started making out. The brave viking was about to pork her when...

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Ross Morgan woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. He then groggily took the gun from under his pillow and shot the alarm clock, landing it right in the 'stopped me from banging a viking chick' pile which was next to the 'DAMMIT I was just about to pork an alien chick in gold bikini' pile.

He slowly stood up and went to the bathroom to prepare for the day, but not before he checked the inside of his pants hoping that at least some part of the dream was real. Unfortunately what he saw was far from dragon-sized.  
>"Dammit" he muttered as he entered the bathroom.<p>

Once he was in he went in front of the mirror, put some shaving cream on, took his battle axe and started shaving. He then sat on the toilet seat and opened the newspaper.

"Let's see. OOOOH interesting 'White Chapel High students mysteriously disappearing' he read"

"HEY ETHAN" he yelled loud enough for Ethan to hear him.

"YEAH?" was Ethan's reply.

"REMEMBER HOW I SAID YOU'RE GOING TO WHITE CHAPEL AWESOME HIGH"

"YUP"

"WELL I CHANGED MY MIND YOU'RE GOING TO WHITE CHAPEL HIGH"

"BUT..."

"NO BUTS YOUNG MAN MY DECISION'S FINAL"

"WELL AT LEAST BENNY'S GOING THERE TOO" and then Ethan stopped yelling.

"Score!" Ross exclaimed "OK two down one to go"

"HEY JANE" he yelled.

"WHAT?" she yelled back

"HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED JOINING HIGH SCHOOL EARLY"

"FUCK YOU DAD"

"Well i tried" Ross muttered and proceeded reading his newspaper. But after a while he got bored so he took his favorite magazine 'Viking chicks weekly' and started looking at the pictures while giggling perversely and occasionally mumbling "DAT AXE"

* * *

><p>Back in the Morgan bedroom Samantha Morgan was still sleeping and talking in her sleep.<p>

"Oh yes Mr. Viking fuck me hard in the ass" she mumbled in her sleep, but that wouldn't last long sine Jane just entered the room. "Mommy" she said sweetly while shaking her mom gently.

"Oh yeah I'm gonna cum" she mumbled again. "Oh no you don't" Jane said and proceeded to shake more violently while yelling "MOM"

"Almost there" her mom yelled "That's it! Mom Ethan and Benny making out at 12 o'clock" . Samantha immediately shot up and threw an axe at twelve o'clock. She then saw there was nothing there and hugged Jane tightly. "You scared me there for a sek there dear. You know I can't stand Benethan after that wretched day surfing through fanfics" she started sobbing in her daughter's chest "the mental images will forever be burned in my head"

"There there mom the bad fics are gone. Do you feel better now?" Jane calmed her.

"Yes" Samantha said while wiping her tears away.

"Now will you make me breakfast?"

"Only if you help"

"Fair enough" and they went down and made pancakes. Axe shaped ones of course

* * *

><p>At breakfast an interesting conversation was being held.<p>

"So mom you're a dentist right?" Ethan asked.

"Yes dear why?" Samantha asked calmly while taking a bite from her pancake.

"Well I was just curious about WHY THE HELL YOU ALWAYS GO TO WORK DRESSED ONLY IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, AN OVERSIZED COAT AND A PAIR OF FUCKING GUNS" Ethan said while pointing accusingly at his mother who was indeed only wearing her underwear and a coat.

Samantha meanwhile stood there calmly and ate her breakfast "First of all they're not guns they're um... boxes in which I, uh ,carry my...dentist...stuff? And oh look it's 7:57" she said.

"7:57!SHIT I'M GONNA MISS MY MORNING FAPPING SESSION" After that Ethan quickly finished his breakfast and raced up the stairs towards his room.

_"Whew that was close"_ Samantha thought _"...he mustn't know"_.

_Flashback_

Ross Morgan had recently started in the Insurance business but he needed something to give him an edge above the others...which is why he was currently looking through a female assassins for hire magazine to hire someone to cut down the competition...AND HE WAS ENJOYING EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF IT.

"Wait this one can use an axe, dresses only in her underwear and a coat AND can cook axe-shaped pancakes" he then quickly dialed the number and yelled "YOU'RE HIRED"

"Got it hot stuff I'll come by tomorrow" that was Samantha's reply.

And the rest is history.

_Flashback End_

Samantha sighed at her nice memories. She was about to get up and put her dish in the sink when she heard a knock on the door. She went towards the door with Ross and Jane in tow and opened it to see horror itself...

Otherwise known as Jessie dressed as a girl-scout.

"I hate my life" Jessie muttered as he stared at their shocked (and disturbed) faces.

* * *

><p><strong>Cliffhanger. Why is Jessie dressed like a girl scout? Will Ethan's Morning Fapping Session be successful or was he too late? Toon in next time to find out.<br>**


	2. Not a good day to be Jessie

**I finally finished the new chapter, hope ya' guys like it.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>"Mom?" Jane asked not taking her eyes off Jessie.<p>

"Yes dear" Samantha was too surprised to even blink.

"Why is the main antagonist on our doorstep dressed like a girl scout?" Jane said trying to comprehend the situation.

"Wait you see him too?" asked Ross who was now poking Jessie.

"I'm still here you know" said Jessie, getting their attention "And if you must know I'm selling cookies to get cash for my awesome party this weekend" Jessie said while giggling and clapping like a schoolgirl. After which Jane grabbed his hands and they started jumping and squealing together.

"Mommy can i keep her" Jane asked her mom who was already getting away from this madhouse.

"Wait what?" Jessie said, suddenly stopping squealing.

"Sure dear have fun bye" said Samantha before leaving while dragging her husband behind her.

Then Jane flashed Jessie a really disturbing smile, after which basic instincts kicked in and he ran like hell...right into Ethan's room. That's where he saw something so horrifying it rivaled seeing Jessie in a girl-scout uniform but couldn't quite match it's pure horror. What he saw was, was...

"Oh yes Luke blow up that Death Star blow it up real good" Yeah Ethan was doing THAT.

"Ahhhhh why are my eyes bleeding, I'm freaking undead" Jessie yelled and Ethan heard him and turned around.

"Ughhh why am i liking what I'm seeing I'm supposed to be a Hetero character for Pete's sake. HETERO" Ethan yelled

Jane then stood behind Jessie whose eyes were indeed bleeding. "Oooh you naughty boy you made my big bother cry. Now I'm gonna have to punish you" Jane said while smiling and winking creepily. Then she started dragging the screaming and kicking Jessie towards her room.

While the youngest of the Morgans were busy torturing vampires and questioning their sexuality their parents had more important matters to attend. Namely fucking with rivaling insurance companies' insured goods. And luckily for them their next target lived right next door.

They put on their ski masks, snack into the house, opened the room the insured thing was most likely to be in... and fell right in to the trap.

"Ahh the Axe Duo we've been expecting you" said an elderly voice from behind one of those office chairs that spin. Which was next to another such spinning chair. Then they spun around to reveal...

_At Jane's Room_

"Hey there big boy wanna see what I can do with my mouth" Jane said while slowly inching closer to Jessie.

"No...don't... stay back...please" Jessie said while slowly going backwards.

"Oh don't be like that just wait till i get my toy" Jane said while smiling way too sweetly for Jessie's comfort.

"No stop please" Jessie tried to open the door looking scared but it was locked. Meanwhile Jane got her toy "DON'T DO IT NOOOOOOOO"

_Back at that house_

Then they spun around to reveal... That Benny is an idiot "Weeeee spinning is fun Yaaaay". Grandma's eye twitched.

"Benny" she said calmly.

"Yeeeees graaaaandmaaaa?" he asked while still spinning

"You're an idiot" she concluded while glaring down her opponents.

"Yes grandma" Benny said as he stopped spinning and put his head down in shame.

While Grandma was busy scowling Benny, Ross took the opportunity and threw a mini-axe at the insured vase, only for it to be deflected by Grandma throwing a sewing needle "You're about half a decade too young to surprise me boy" Grandma said while glaring the duo down. They in turn glared at her. The the tension in the air was high and not a sound could be heard...except for Benny munching loudly on some popcorn while videotaping then "This shit's so going on YaTub"

"Benny"

"Yeah grandma"

"You're grounded"

"FOR WHAT?"

"For ruining the moment"

"But grandma..."

"No buts"

"Yes grandma" he sighed, but still kept on videotaping.

_Back to the Morgans' house_

"The horror...the horror...the horror" Jessie kept chanting while dragging himself to the front door.

"So how'd it go" Ethan asked casually.

"How do ya' think it went" Jessie said while pointing at his nude shivering and terrified self. "That girl did some horrible stuff with her mouth man, she turned something pleasurable into something awful, and when she got that toy out ...'_sh_i_ver'... _the horror"

"Oh come on she's not that bad" Ethan said.

"Not that bad? That little witch freaking sang 13 'Three Directions' songs before she decided she was tired, and that toy karaoke machine wasn't helping either. And when she DID get tired she started hugging me while sleeping and wouldn't let go. I had to abandon my clothes just to get away" Jessie was REALLY pissed.

"What do you have against '3D" Ethan whined.

"Wait you're a guy and you like 'Three Directions? Fag alert" Jessie teased trying to keep what little sanity he had left.

"Hey you're a fag" Ethan returned lamely.

"Said the guy with the raging erection" Jessie smirked while looking at Ethan who had a horrified expression on his face and was already typing 'How do you know if you're gay' on Goggle.

"OK let's see it says here that "A person who likes people of the same sex is called gay", OK so Benny's a guy and I'm a guy and he's my bro so i like him which means that..."

_At the other side of White Chapel_

"Oh Frank this Glass Mansion is simply magnificent but how did you afford it?" A lady in her thirties asked her similarly-aged husband.

"Oh i used about half of my life savings to afford it Janet" The man said while proudly looking at his hardly-earned mansion.

"But Frank won't it break easily" Janet asked.

"No, you see Janet this is really tough glass. And the only thing that can break it is the terrified cry of a sexually confused teenager." Frank said proudly. But then...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Ethan's terrified scream could be heard throughout the town. Shattering all glass in its way...Uh-oh

"No, my new house" Janet yelled.

"No my secret glass dildo collection" Frank yelled and immediately regretted it afterwards.

Once the mansion was destroyed the two owners were really pissed. "Hey Frank wanna go wreck havoc on White Chapel in a fit of rage" Janet said while baring her vampire fangs.

"Nah we're too old for this shit. But maybe we could get that lazy slacker of a son we have to do it instead. We could also crash at his place while we're at it" Frank said, already heading towards his son's house.

"Oh Jessie he'll be so overjoyed to see us" Janet said happily while following after her husband.

_Back at the Morgans'_

Once the screaming was over Jessie looked towards Ethan who was currently rocking forwards and backwards under his desk with his thumb in his mouth and a terrified expression on his face. Then Jessie smiled and kept on crawling towards the exit. "Wow that was almost as enjoyable as when I kicked my parents out. Good thing I'm not seeing those bastards anytime soon" Jessie muttered to himself while still crawling.

* * *

><p><strong>Poor poor Jessie I almost felt sorry for him...nah. Will i ever leave him alone? Will Ethan's parents defeat Grandma? Is Ethan Hetero or Homo? Will i even bother to answer those questions? Toon in next time to find out.<br>**


	3. Darn teenagers these days

**OK so i tried to make this chapter awesome, so read it and tell me if succeeded.**

* * *

><p>"The horror, hi Ben... the horror, hey there Benjy how's your foot man...the horror oh and fuck you Maddy" Jessie was crawling naked on the street while casually greeting his pals...and Maddy when a teenage girl named Sarah saw him and decided to help him.<p>

She took him to her house, gave him a cookie, gave him a bath and played with him, then she gave him some milk , burped him and told him a story "...and then that bitch Maddy left...just like that can you believe her?"

"I know right Maddy is such a bitch" Jessie who was currently wearing tight jeans, a purple tank top that reached above his stomach which read 'Grrrrl Power' and not to mention the pink bra and panties (Sarah didn't have any male clothes after all) commented on the story.

"Hey Sarah wanna be my girlfriend?"

"Sure"

"So wanna make out?"

"Yup"

And then they started making out

* * *

><p>Erica was sitting in front of the computer searching "topless abs vampire pics' on Goggle Images when...<p>

"Gahhhhhhhhhhh i sense a really bad relationship development...must... balance...out" she mumbled while barely reaching her window. "Hey you..." she yelled at the surprised Gord. "...come over here and romance me for half an hour cause i need to restore the romance balance of the Universe and If you do good I'll flash ya' " . Gord was in Erica's room in a matter of milliseconds and was grinning widely.

Erica sighed "The things I do for romance"

* * *

><p>"Hey Ethan" Rory cried enthusiastically while kicking Ethan's door open. "Ethan?" he asked confusedly after not getting a reply.<p>

"Down here" Ethan's voice came clearly from UNDER the desk his computer was on but...

"Oh no Ethan has become one with his computer and is preparing to tke over the world and tentacle rape Benny with his wires. Good thing I've been preparing for this day since day one. Rory Ninja is ready for business" Rory said before he tuck a giant katana from out of nowhere and slashed Ethan's computer to pieces and got electrocuted semi-hard. "Allll ttthis eeeelecccctricityyyy runnnnnnning thrrrrrrough my booooody isssss making me oooooorrrgasm in thhhhe pair of stoooolen pantiiiies that i'm currentlyyyyy wearinggggggg"

...unfortunately for Ethan, just like Benny Rory's not very bright.

"Darn it now how am i gonna watch porn on Pancake Sunday mornings" Ethan said after getting out from under the desk to Rory's astonishment butut he soon got over it.

"You could always go to Benny's and make..." Rory tried to suggest but was cut off by Ethan.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence or I'm gonna use that katana of yours on your limited edition Jar-jar pajamas" Ethan warned already holding the Katana.

"You wouldn't dare so stop it with your twisted jokes" Rory said but still prepared to chase after Ethan if necessary.

"I didn't get to finish this morning, do you seriously think i'm capable of telling jokes right now" Ethan said while grinning like a maniac. He was gonna get rid of that pent up frustration one way or another.

"Shit..." but before Rory could finish Ethan was already outside running towards his house while laughing like some movie bad guy.

"MUAHAHAHA Now you know my pain! How does it feel not letting you finish you bastard? HAHAHAHA" That morning apparently SERIOUSLY messed with Ethan's head.

"I wasn't even there when it happened!" Rory defended while running after Ethan and secretly texting someone.

_With Sarah and Jessie_

Sarah and Jessie were making out like really hard when suddenly Jessie's instincts caused by old age kicked in "Darn teenagers these days with their fancy tongue techniques. Back in my day we just used to stick it in there and grope each other till the principal caught us and decided join in" his instinct to complain about youngsters these days and remember the good old days.

But Sarah was confused "Um...Jessie?" she asked while looking at him strangely. Jessie thought quickly and replied with "Sorry just a nervous tick".

They started making out again which eventually led to Sarah sucking on Jessie's neck. That's when Jessie's 'nervous tick'/old person instinct/i don't know decided to act up again "Damn teenagers these days can't even give a proper hickey. Back in my day we didn't suck like little babies we bit like real men. I even...I mean my grandad even hickey'd Hitler on the crotch once" Jessie said proudly.

Sarah was trying to comprehend what her boyfriend had just said while he was giving her a 'hickey'. Then some sunlight entered through the window and Jessie started sparkling "Damn sun these days, back in my day it was just a few atoms minding their own business but now it just makes me sparkle like some kinda girly princess" said the manly vampire overlord while adjusting his bra under his pink top.

That's when something clicked in Sara's head "I just figured something out you're the king of a secret cult of pale drag-queens who want to sacrifice me go the god of drag-queens" she said while pointing accusingly at Jessie.

"Phew..." Jessie sighed in relief "...i actually thought you'd figured out i was a vampire...Wait a second!... Damn it" he finished while face palming himself.

* * *

><p>When Ethan finally stopped running he was standing in front of Rory's house with the katana in both hands ready for some action. But before he could enter the house he was stopped by two individuals. One blond, the other brunette. Those individuals were Benny and Rory. And they were ready for battle.<p>

"Ethan my man sorry I'm gonna have to fight ya but when Rory bought that thing he made me wait 2 days in line for it with him, so I'm not about to let those pajamas get destroyed so easily" said Benny for the first time not sounding stupid while he's being written by G 9000.

At a different place a similar battle was about to happen and the two different parties seemingly mirrored each others actions. Ethan and Grandma both took battle stances, one with a katana the other with a pair of sewing needles. Samantha prepared a whole bunch of mini-axes and Rory was ready to throw the several sharp pencils from between his fingers. And both Benny and Ross cracked their knuckles ready to handle some good old fashioned ass-whooping.

In other words: The battles were on!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Well i guess some epikness' gonna unfold next chapter. Will Jane wake up and realize she's home alone? Will the Jar-jar pajamas be shown mercy? And will Jessie get kicked in the balls? Toon in next time to find out.<strong>  
><em>


End file.
